We don’t get into politics too much here at Cracked. We don’t like being yelled at. We also don’t want to alienate anyone who doesn’t share our political beliefs (we’re all pretty hardline Jacobites here). But by far the biggest reason is the simple fact that none of it matters, because lizard people control everything.
There’s also one right behind you.
But that’s something we should talk about far more than we do, and it was with that brief that I was sent to track down one of these lizard people. Which was surprisingly simple. All I had to do was write an interview request on a postcard and drop it in the mail. Didn’t even need an address; they get it all. A few short minutes later, I was called and given the opportunity to interview one of the lizard people’s spokeslizards at their head office in Real New York. (Don’t look for it — it’s not on the map.) There I met Malok, an affable young lizardman, who explained how it all works to me.
Cracked: Thanks for taking the time to meet with me.
Malok: No trouble at all. We’re big fans of your work.
C: Mine specifically?
M: Well, no. Cracked in general. Your writing is … Well, you look like you try really hard.
C: I don’t, actually.
I did once, and never really recovered.
C: So before we get too deep into insulting me, I can’t help but ask about one thing: Your accent.
C: You don’t have one. I’d have thought everything you say would be covered in a thick layer of S’s.
M: Well, I’ve had media training. And, you know, we’re pretty good at disguises.
C: I guess there wouldn’t be a lizard person conspiracy if you weren’t. Which brings me to my first real question: The whole world. You control that?
M: That’s right.
Malok then showed me a shocking satellite image which contained proof.
C: But what does that mean, exactly? That you’ve replaced, or are, all of our leaders?
M: We don’t have to be the leaders. We could be the aide who hands them their daily briefing. Or their key donor. Or their spouse. Control comes in a lot of different forms.
C: But you could be anyone?
M: That’s right.
C: And there’s no way to know? I’m sure I’d know. I mean, you kind of look like a lizard.
Malok held up a perfectly manicured talon to silence me for a moment while he checked something on his phone.
C: Is that a …
M: An iPhone 12, yeah. OK. It says here you’ve slept with five lizard people. Did you know that?
Our interview trails off for a moment while I consider my list of ex-lovers and their relative scaliness. Malok pours himself a glass of tepid water and begins lapping it up with darting movements of his tongue.
C: But does that mean I’m powerful? That you’ve sent lizard people to secretly influence me?
M: No, it means those lizard people were drunk.
C: Yeah, now I definitely know which ones you’re talking about. Huh. OK. What about Trump?
M: He’s not one of ours.
C: He’s at least part toad, right?
M: Nope, that’s 100-percent human. You can see now why we need to be in charge of things.
C: Yeah, I’m not sure I do. It just doesn’t sit right, you know? A politician, competent or otherwise, is still accountable to us.
Malok cracks up here, hissing and laughing for several seconds.
M: Wow, yeah, that’s definitely not true.
C: No, it sounded dumb even as I was saying it. OK, but at least they’re visible. We don’t know anything about the lizard people. Like, what are your intentions? Do you have any policy goals?
M: The only metric we’re really concerned with is suffering.
C: Of course.
M: We just want the world to be run well and fairly, and to minimize human pain and discomfort.
C: Bwa? Record scratch? You want to minimize suffering?
M: Sure. Check the stats. All the basic quality of life metrics have been trending in the right direction for decades now. War is down, life spans are up, crippling poverty is down. Sexism and racism and homophobia are all in retreat. We’re doing a pretty good job.
C: I suppose so. But if you’re mainly doing nice things for us, why are you so secretive?
M: Body image issues. Your jokes hurt, humans.
“Nice kerchief, Overseer!”
M: And I will admit that, by human moral frameworks, we are not acting entirely without self-interest. We’re making your lives comfortable for our own reasons.
C: You’re fattening us up?
M: The exact opposite, actually. Incidentally, holy shit, humans. Do you know how big a large soft drink is now?
Yeah, but it’s the best value.
C: Don’t change the subject. Tell me what your sinister plan is.
M: I really can’t. But you’ll see soon enough.
My interview techniques failing me for the moment — maybe I should have said “Come on?” — we continue our tour of the building. At one point, Malok leads me down a hall, its walls lined with industry awards the lizard people have won for their stewardship of everything.
C: Nice work with the moon landing, by the way.
M: That was a fun one.
C: How long have you been in charge of the world? Since the beginning of time?
M: No, no. Since the late 19th century. Before us, it was mainly the horse people who ran the show.
C: Horse people? What was their deal?
M: They liked taking huge shits in public. It was gross. Indoor plumbing — that was us. One of our first real success stories.
We stop in front of a window looking down on the inner courtyard of the lizard people’s headquarters, where a bunch of bound and chained humans struggle to push a huge spoked wheel.
C: Well that looks sinister.
M: Nah. We’re just prototyping a new exercise trend. You’ll see that rolled out in the next year or so. Gonna replace spinning.
We watch the humans continue to struggle, the heavy beat of trap music filtering up to us. Indeed, all the humans look to be enjoying the experience, many of them wearing brightly-colored, spoked-wheel-themed clothing.
$185 a pair. And you have to replace them every year.
And it is here, as I admire the lizard people’s mastery over seemingly everything, that I see the flaw in their story.
C: Hang on. You said crime rates were down. And disease and bear attacks and all that.
M: That’s right. You don’t believe me?
C: No, no. That all sounds right. But that means they were higher before. When you were in charge. Which means you don’t control everything.
M: What are you getting at?
C: Humans can fight the control of the lizard people! By committing more crimes! Or getting more polio.
M: You’re going to fight our control by making your lives worse?
C: We’ve made our lives worse for sillier reasons.
M: Why would you even want to fight our control?
C: We ache for freedom?
Malok smiles and puts his talon on me in a patronizing manner.
M: No. You ache from standing up too fast. You don’t want to overthrow the lizard people.
C: I don’t? Why not?
M: Why do you think we’re showing all this to you?
C: Because you’re suddenly being open and less manipulative. [Which, again, sounds stupid as soon as I say it.] Huh. Are you trying to recruit me to become a lizard person?
M: Recruit? Or something else?
Malok smiles, his tongue darting forward.
M: What’s your first memory?
C: Pecking my way out of an egg … OH SHIT.
The lizard person is calling from inside the house.
M: There you go, brother.
C: I’ve been a lizard person all this time!
Malok and I embrace. Suddenly, many of my long-running skin conditions make so much more sense.
C: Is this why I constantly feel the need to climb trees and devour bird eggs?
M: It is, yes.
C: I’ve lost so many jobs because of that.
M: We should have perhaps told you sooner.
C: So what should I do now? Do I get a beeper or something?
M: Just do what you have been.
C: And it’s OK if I write about all this on Cracked?
M: Sure, sure. Like we say, no one really believes anything you say anyway.
C: Which means I’m one of the best lizard people!
M: One of the worst, actually.
C: So can you tell me what your sinister plan is for everyone now?
Malok leans in and whispers into my ear.
C: Oh, that’s so good! But you know people don’t wash there regularly.
M: We know. That’s next on our list.
C: So that’s what you need my help with!
M: We thought it’d be something you could sink your teeth into, yeah.
C: I’ll get started right away!
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist, a lizard person, and urges everyone to go and buy pipe cleaners soon — by next Thursday at the latest. The author of the science fiction novel Severance, his next novel, Freeze/Thaw, is available for pre-order now! Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
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